Sometimes, you deserve a steak. Vegetarians will have to translate this into whatever their language is. I'm talking about meat. A steak of meat. I'm talking about the most beautiful thing in the world. And it's perfect for any occasion... Life sucks? You deserve a steak. Got a promotion? Celebrate with a steak! Banging the girl of your dreams? See what you think when she cooks you a STEAK.
Fancy steakhouses are great, based solely on the fact that they have steaks, but honestly, is it ever worth the expense? Yes, it is. You are eating a steak, and that is worth any expense. But is it necessary? Hell no. Do you think they are making better steaks than what you can make at home? Think about that. They aren't. And I have further advice: there are no rules to steak--there is no right or wrong. There are only opinions, and you remember what is said about opinions.
I used to order steaks well done. I don't really know why. Then one night someone made a steak for me cooked approximately medium. I'm not saying who, because this blog isn't for that topic, but let me tell you, that steak was amazing. So now I can say--and it goes with my wish to make people less annoying restaurant patrons--that I don't care how my steak comes out. Living life this way is so much easier and thus more satisfying. If I order a steak medium and it's "overcooked", hey, cool, I used to love it that way. If I for some reason order it well and it comes out pink--well whatta ya know? My favorite. I seriously am probably one of the least picky eaters in all of the world, which one may say makes me the worst "food blog" writer ever. Well I say I'm the best, and I also say "Fuck whoever doesn't like it."
Tonight I had a steak. It was superb. I don't remember if I deserved one, or if I was celebrating something, but I definitely am not banging the girl of my dreams. But for whatever reason, I had a steak. And did I mention that it was superb? There is not much to a steak. All of them are probably great. I saw a Publix commercial once where two brothers are arguing about the best cut of meat to grill, and the Publix butcher says that ribeye is the best. Okay, guy. So whenever I'm at Kroger, I buy a couple ribeyes. See what I did there? But hey, there is no right answer; I bet a steak made of hot dog is pretty good too. And there is no correct way to prepare it. Men who want to act manly will say that you must grill it outside, no matter what, you have to go outside and grill your steak. Bullshit. Seriously, that's bullshit. If you have picked up the pattern here, I am not saying that a grilled steak is bad, because oh my god it is awesome, I am just saying that a pan-seared or even an oven-baked steak is just as rewarding. I mean, think about this, bachelors and bachelorettes. Do you really want to go out, uncover the grill, dump in your coals, get your fire going (which, come on, is never easy), wait forever, then spend all those hungry minutes looking at your steak that isn't ready to eat? I don't. So look: throw a pan on a hot stove eye, tip some oil in there, throw your steak on, listen to that orgasmic sizzle, flip it, have another orgasm, then EAT IT. Bam. Steak'd. Simple. Earlier, I tossed a ribeye in a pan. Two orgasms later, I was having a third, IN MY MOUTH. I will give you a suggestion though, because I know you love those. When in doubt, just pour some beer on it. For real. At any moment, if you are standing there looking at your steak and you are drinking a beer, just pour some beer on it. You won't regret it.
This ribeye I had was so so so deliciously inspiring, I started to think about other things that make people happy with no measurable explanation. Well, in the second or two it took me to type that sentence, I am starting to lose those thoughts... Ice cream is one. Ice cream makes people happy, except for Otis as shown in The Devil's Rejects, which by the way is an ingenius way of making you ponder the unrelatable extremes of such a psychotic character, so thank Rob Zombie for that one. But anyway, why do people love ice cream? You may say it's because it is sweet. But so are brownies, or cinnamon rolls. While I enjoy all, I would say that out of the three there is none matched in satisfaction than ice cream.
And also... You know you're in a fastfood joint when you see the baseball-capped dad covered in grease, followed by the excessively bleach-blonded mom who looks like something that grew out of the cat litter dumped underneath the trailer, followed by the flush-faced fat pre-teen daughter in her cupcake pajamas. But look, after you naturally pass judgment on these people, do you realize why they are there where you are? It's the pursuit of happiness. You may think it's the price, but you're wrong; they could just as easily go to a Ryan's Steakhouse for about the same cost (see what I did there?) I think. It's the pursuit of happiness, you shithead.
Fastfood makes people happy, because it's awesome. Ice cream makes people happy, because it's awesome. And steaks make people happy, because they are awesome. It's as simple as that.
Disappointed by the "food blog" today? You deserve a steak. Love the "food blog" today? Celebrate with a steak! Vegetarians, go eat a [steak].
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